


when they fight, they fight

by nascar (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 80's Music, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobia, Making Out, Minor Character Death, Multi, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 03:05:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15500928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/nascar
Summary: "you look like a morrissey song."jaemin laughs at that, jeno loves morrissey.





	1. soliloquy

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! got inspired by dead poets society to write a boarding school au!  
> some important notes:  
> \- there is brief graphic (?) imagery of suicide  
> \- theres also a mention of rape kind of  
> \- theres (1) homophobic slur  
> \- this is set in the 80s, pls keep in mind i only know things about 80s movies so sorry if anything is wrong pls just pretend

before jaemin had moved to sm boarding school, jeno and renjun would spend holidays at their own estates, or more likely in jeno's case he'd spend them between camping and basketball.

renjun was more the indoorsy type, he'd rather lock himself in his room as an act of teenage rebellion and pretend that his parents even noticed.

ever since jaemin had transferred two years ago though, the three had immediately clicked, bonding over a shared hatred for their rich parents and prestigious school grounds.

somehow though over time something shifted between the three them, unsaid words behind meaningful touches. it was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. like a sweater you love that you've grown out of. sometimes it's just not enough and you need more.

not that anything more could exist in this town.

since then jeno and renjun had found themselves spending their free time at jaemin's summer home conveniently situated smack dab in the middle of their boarding school town.

it's significantly smaller than jaemin's main home but still big enough to house probably a small country. it's excessive and unnecessary but admittedly nice to hang around in.

it's also wonderful for hosting parties since his parent's are never there anyways (they're never even in the country). he supposes that it contributes to his popularity at school, not that he cares much for being popular. he always left that one for donghyuck.

donghyuck is another example of things that couldn't exist in this town.

he was a bright boy, perhaps the brightest jaemin had ever met. he was likeable, funny, and honorable when need be. for most people at their school jaemin is guilty of only recognizing people by their parents. by the names in the news and stock market.

donghyuck though? donghyuck had been his own brand. his wealth attributed nothing to his personality. nothing about money or his superstar mother could be found in the way he spoke, the way he smiled. there was something fearfully unholy in his grin and he spoke as if commanding a rebellion.

it was as threatening as it was inspiring.

in the end though, none of it mattered against the ignorance and violent nature of adolescence.

there'd been a party one night, at who's house jaemin doesn't remember. it doesn't matter. a couple senior boys from jyp prep had been there though.

they weren't too friendly with donghyuck. to this day jaemin still isn't sure why. donghyuck was great at getting others to open up but he'd never been one for speaking about himself.

some say it was about weed, other darker rumors say they'd touched the younger boy and he'd used his mother's money as revenge.

the point was, pictures had been taken that night of donghyuck kissing someone. not just someone but mark lee.

mark lee the star basketball player. he was known for his shy smiles and scuffed chuck taylors. mark lee, a boy.

as soon as the pictures had gotten out, the town was in an uproar.

tiffany lee's son was a faggot.

the words were slapped up everywhere, on tabloids, newspapers, the school walls.

the gossip was vicious.

suddenly it didn't matter that donghyuck was the most influential person the school had seen, or that he'd spoken words of anarchy with a voice made for sonnets. it didn't matter that he was handsome or rich. it didn't matter because he was gay. that was all he'd needed to be condemned.

that fall lee donghyuck had killed himself.

the maids had found him curled into the white sheets, pill bottles scattered and wrists open. what's worse was that someone from jyp prep had been there, had somehow known and took the scandalizing pictures of his body that haunted the town for months after. hundreds of prints had been run of the photograph. it was kind of blurry, out of focus but it was still stomach flippingly awful.

to this day every time jaemin sees a fly away paper in the wind he feels the tug of dread.

after that mark lee had disappeared, he'd just turned eighteen and nobody could stop him. sometimes when jaemin passes the basketball court by the park he still expects to see him there, sweaty bangs and shoulders reddened. he expects to see the proud smile he'd toss to a lazy donghyuck sprawled over the bleachers.

he doesn't though because mark is gone and donghyuck is dead and jaemin knows that it serves as a morbid reminder of what happens when you let teenagers close enough to something as precious as love. they become bitter ravenous dogs, tearing and shredding until nothing is left but contempt and the satisfaction of ignorance.

it's enough to hold his tongue when jeno says something dangerous; enough to keep a bitter taste in the back of his mouth when renjun's lips look too inviting.

jaemin tries to be normal he really does, he smiles back when girls giggle at him, he allows them to let their hands stray. he even invites a couple back to his place.

it never matters though because when it's all over and he's done fooling around renjun is still there to watch the girls leave. jeno is still looking at him like _that_ and suddenly all the girls in the world won't fix anything.

it won't fix anything because every time renjun touches him it still makes jaemin's heart feel to big for his chest. every time jeno smiles jaemin's lungs pop and fizzle out like a water balloon, icy liquid gushing from between his ribs.

it's all weird and fucked up and hurts so good and jaemin wishes he was selfish enough to take it.

but every time he thinks to link hands with renjun or to press a kiss into jeno's drowsy eyelids, the image of donghyuck's pale face and messy sheets is back to haunt him.

it didn't matter how much money they had, high schoolers were still monsters.

 

  
"you think too much."

jaemin cranes his neck up at the voice, hand shielding his eyes from the sun.

"yeah?" he asks and renjun smiles.

"let's swim it's too hot here."

renjun's right, it is hot, overbearingly hot.

"okay," he agrees easily.

jaemin's pool is one of their favorite places to hang out when school isn't in session. it's sizeable and shielded from the outside by a tall gate, the house staff never come out either except to drain and clean it monthly so it's usually completely private.

when renjun steps out onto the deck he wastes no time in shucking off his t-shirt that was sticking to his back with sweat.

jaemin's seen renjun shirtless too many times to count but it still makes his palms sweaty and his mouth go dry.

renjun has a nice body, not too skinny but toned in the right places. his legs are lean and muscled from hours of soccer practice, it's awfully distracting at times. like right now.

so distracting jaemin hadn't even noticed the evil grin the older boy was wearing, or the movement he made as he stepped closer and-

suddenly jaemin is careening forward and crashing into the pool, limbs catching up sluggishly as he flailed around under the icy water.

when he surfaces he's shrieking like a child and coughing up chlorine water. his hair is plastered onto his forehead and irrigating droplets into his eyes.

"what the fuck-"

jaemin is cut off by a pair of hands around his middle tugging him backwards. when he turns around in renjun's arms he comes face to face with the other boy.

his expression is unreadable and heavy and it makes something in jaemin's chest heave and stutter.

he hasn't realized that he's being shepherded into the corner of the pool until his back hits the wall.

renjun's eyes are still intense and unnerving and jaemin feels like he should say something, do something.

"renjun?"

"yeah nana?"

renjun's voice is low, fragile. like he's feeling out ice to make sure it can hold his weight.

it's then that jaemin realizes he doesn't know what he wants to say anyways, or more like he doesn't know if he's brave enough to say it.

instead he goes silent and watches the slow drag of renjun's gaze from jaemin's eyes to his lips.

the water is cold but jaemin feels like he's being boiled alive.

when renjun speaks again jaemin is sure his pulse rate is unhealthy.

"you can touch me," is what renjun says. it's spoken softly like a secret.

jaemin wants to pretend he doesn't know what the older boy means by touch. he wants to push renjun away and laugh it off. he wants to do anything but give in because he doesn't know if he starts rolling down this hill, if he'll ever find out how to stop.

but instead jaemin flicks his bangs off his forehead, glances around to make sure they're completely alone, (they are, renjun has cleverly hidden them in an aclove shielded by a row of potted palm bushes.) and reaches out gingerly under the water.

jaemin's hand brushes gently over renjun's skin, fingers splaying over the lattice of the smaller boy's ribs. his skin is softer than jaemin expected, almost silky under the water.

renjun's breath hitches audibly at the contact. something like lighter fluid rushes through jaemin's blood and renjun is holding the match.

jaemin knows this can't end well, knows that it's dangerous but with renjun this close, for once jaemin doesn't see donghyuck's blood but instead the gentle fan of renjun's eyelashes and the curve of his lips.

jaemin wonders if jeno would hesitate in this position. he probably wouldn't. he wouldn't because jeno is quiet but he knows what he wants. he knows when to be selfish.

maybe jaemin wants to be a little selfish too.

with that last thought jaemin steels himself and ducks his head, pulling renjun closer until their lips brush.

it's only for a second, but the action is unmistakable and clear.

after that renjun sucks in a breath and presses back, harder this time.

it's half surprising and half familiar, like they'd done it a million times before. if jaemin's being honest though, he has kissed renjun before, just never outside his dreams.

kissing boys is a lot different from kissing girls.

girls are soft, pliant, flirty.

renjun is none of those things. he's tender, solid and concise. jaemin thinks he likes it better.

renjun's breath is warm against his lips and the only sound around them is the gentle lapping of the pool water and the sound of a lawn mower in the distance.

jaemin pulls the smaller boy closer and renjun's hands ball in the sopping fabric of jaemin's shirt.

when renjun's mouth falls open he tastes like cherry chapstick and chlorine.

it's a pleasant taste and it quickly rids jaemin's mind of every other thought.

in fact he gets so enraptured in it that he doesn't even notice the presence of another person until someone is clearing their throat.

the noise snaps jaemin out of his haze and he pulls away from renjun so fast he almost slips under the water again. his heart is hammering against his ribs he's almost scared they'll break.

jeno is standing at the deck, bag slung over one shoulder and a neutral expression on his face.

"i got some new cd's if you guys wanna check em out," is all jeno says. it comes out so naturally, it's like he didn't even see that his two best friends were just making out in a pool.

but he must have seen there's no way he couldn't have. it's impossible.

next to jaemin, renjun's face splits into a wide grin.

"yeah, sure!"

his enthusiastic response draws jaemin's attention and when he looks at the older boy his eyes are trained on jeno, full of warmth and... contentment?

jeno's eyes flick between renjun and jaemin and he allows a small smile to grace his lips. "sick."

his eyes stay on jaemin for a little longer before he speaks again, "nana make sure to put on some sunscreen you're looking a little red."

jaemin feels like he's going mad when he sees the satisfied look jeno throws the two of them before turning around and heading back into the house.

he expects a more modest reaction from renjun but instead the smaller boy just gives jaemin a gentle squeeze to his arm coupled with a downright evil grin before swimming to the edge and pulling himself out of the pool.

jaemin's heart is still thumping dangerously when renjun disappears into the mansion as well.

 

 

 


	2. invisible (invincible)

the inside of jaemin's summer home room differs significantly to that of his room at his main home in new england. it's also completely different to his room in his vacation villa in france.

of all the rooms though, jaemin would say this one is his favorite.

his room in new england is big, but empty. there's the occasional picture on the wall and his book shelf, but it's not jaemin. in his summer room, it's equally as spacious but it's so full of life that it feels cramped.

there's books upon books stacked in corners, on desktops, crammed into window sill's and creeping from under the king sized bed. the walls are completely covered in posters and scribbled poetry, clusters of tacked up notes and cramped handwriting that remind jaemin of the messy scatter of butterflies on a tree trunk.

jaemin's arguably favorite thing about this room though, is the way renjun's sleeping shirts look, discarded over the back of the arm chair. or how jeno's sheet music fans out over the desk.

it's the fact that this space holds so much of jaemin that it includes the impression of the two people he cares about most, whether he's willing to admit it or not.

"i think it's interesting how people can look like their music," is what jaemin announces from his spot on the carpet. his hair is towel dried from the pool he's sporting a new dry shirt.

jeno had brought some new cd's over earlier and seeing as how his two best friends hadn't acted weird about what happened in the pool, jaemin decides not to either.

renjun claimed the bed, limbs played out and eyes closed, soaking in the song jeno had put on. he looks good like that and jaemin has to bite his cheek so as to not say as much out loud.

when jaemin sees the same look on jeno's face looking at renjun from where he's straddling the back of jaemin's desk chair, he feels something bubbly in his stomach.

jeno considers jaemin's sudden statement before tilting his head to the side and answering back.

"you look like a morrissey song."

jaemin laughs at that, jeno loves morrisey.

when he voices so much, jeno leans over the back of the chair, arms crossed. he raises an eyebrow with a tongue in his cheek, with a little wiggle of his head and jaemin feels himself blush.

jeno grins.

suddenly renjun sits up.

"i like it." he announces, talking about the song playing at the moment.

it's where is my mind by pixies.

"yeah?" jeno prompts.

renjun looks like he's about to say something, his chest expands and his mouth parts but then his breathing stutters and he simply lays back down.

"yeah."

  
that night renjun has to leave their little safe haven for a weekend trip with his family.

his parents called earlier that week about it, claiming that they missed their son and wanted to catch up before the new term started. renjun rolled his eyes but had agreed to the beach trip.

renjun's older sister comes to pick him up personally via private jet. when the butler let's her in jaemin realizes it's been a while since he's seen her.

her hair is black and glossy, falling just past her elbows. she has the same straight features and dark eyes as renjun. she's pretty, like renjun.

she smiles shyly at jaemin and jeno. where jaemin gives a polite nod, jeno smiles wolfishly and jaemin doesn't miss the cutting glare renjun shoots at jeno.

jeno must not miss it either, judging by the satisfied smile he wears in response.

"come on jun," she teases, voice somehow husky and sweet at the same time.

renjun sighs heavily before shouldering his backpack and following her to the door.

when she passes over the threshold renjun turns around to face the other two boy's who have situated themselves in front of the marble staircase.

he looks a but like he did earlier in the bedroom where he was at a loss for words.

in the end he settles for a quirky salute and a wink, and then he's gone.

when the door closes jeno sighs audibly and jaemin turns on his heel.

"and then there were two." is all jaemin says before retreating to the kitchen. jeno laughs.

  
jaemin's parents had no problem shelling out two of the seven guest rooms to jeno and renjun whenever they stayed for long periods of time. sometimes though, jaemin wishes they hadn't.

not because he doesn't want them there, because nothing could be farther from the truth, but because he couldn't help but wish they could be closer. physically anyways. he isn't sure they could be closer friends than they already are if they tried.

jeno must think the same thing because later that night when jaemin is tossing around in bed waiting for sleep to take him, his bedroom door is creaking open and jeno's familiar form is slipping inside, shutting the door with a barely audible click.

jaemin rolls over in the dark to watch the other boy silently.

jeno pads over to the bed, expertly navigating around stacks of books and record cases.

when the bed dips and jeno is slipping into the covers, jaemin scoots over wordlessly and makes more space.

"hi."

jeno's eye smile is visible even in the dim light.

"hey," jaemin breathes back.

they're quiet for a moment, just looking at each other in the dark.

it must be the dark that gives jaemin the bravery to say what he says next.

"why didn't you say anything about me kissing renjun?"

at that jeno stops breathing for a second and then lifts a hand to tentively thumb at jaemin's under eye.

"because i like how you look when you kiss renjun."

jaemin feels his heart speed up dangerously.

"do you like how renjun looks when he kisses me too?"

jeno's eye smile threatens to make a comeback.

"yeah," he breathes out. "is that weird?"

jaemin swallows. his head feels submerged.

"probably but-," he paused. "but i like it."

in the dark of his bedroom jaemin can't help but feel invincible like this. can't help but feel secret and untouchable with jeno so close.

maybe that's why he let's jeno tug him closer, hand still incredibly soft on his cheek. why he let's jeno close enough to where he's ducking his head to meet jaemin's lips with his own and jaemin's heart stutters out and flatlines right there.

where renjun's kisses are precise and fiery, jeno's are heady and sincere, soft presses of parted lips at a comforting pace.

jaemin likes it just as much.

jeno's fingers move to trace designs over jaemin's cheek as he moves to introduce a experimental flick of his tongue.

he tastes like toothpaste and cinnamon and jaemin wants more.

he pulls away for a moment to toss a leg over jeno's waist before settling himself over the older boy's hips and pulling their lips back together.

jeno's hands wander along jaemin's back and slip under his shirt to rest on his waist, making jaemin's breath hitch.

"good?" jeno's voice is low and husky, it makes something in jaemin's chest twist.

jaemin answers by kissing him again, fervently as if trying to burn away the words creeping on his tongue. words saying that this is dangerous, that they should stop.

jaemin doesn't want to stop.

the way jeno kisses fills jaemin with so much, _something_ that he feels that if jeno removed his hands or pulled his lips away, jaemin would float up into the sky and dissipate among the clouds.

it's a silly thought.

eventually he loses track of time but somewhere between the heated kisses and messy touches, they slow down. nips and licks turn to whispered names and pecks until jeno stops all together and his breathing is even.

in the dark jaemin can make out the gentle fan of his eyelashes under jeno's closed eyes and darkened lips. something about jeno falling asleep under him makes jaemin's heart constrict.

maybe he's in love. the thought is terrifying and makes jaemin want to run away and never look back but there's something comforting about the thought in the safety of his dark room.

he'll leave worrying to the daylight. for now he settles for a kiss to jeno's forehead and pulling the covers over them. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so rushed!! also would any of u read a markhyuck side story to this if i wrote one?


	3. secrets worth keeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark gets yeehawed and jaemin stops being a pussy

 

donghyuck's grave is unnerving. there are many reasons for that but above all, it's because it is the grave of a child.

right beneath that reason is listed that it cannot possibly encompass the entire enormity that was lee donghyuck. nothing about the cold cut marble or the engraved bullshit quote can't possibly even begin to detail what was and what should still be.

as jaemin stands facing the grave, shoulders hunched and fists balled, he can't help but wonder what donghyuck would have to say about this measly testament to his life.

he'd probably snort crudely and spout out some cleverly crafted joke about the meaningless of graves and death and the whole social system, then brush it off and run away somewhere secret with his signature grin.

fleeting, like a summer breeze.

jaemin doesn't realize he's crying until he feels the wet trail of tears seeping into his shirt collar.

the ground is littered with stomped flowers and derelict cards as well as a few rude drawings.

jaemin squats and with shaky hands, picks up the offensive papers. he doesn't bother to read any of them, overcome with the urge to take these ugly words far away from donghyuck.

they crumple easily in his angry fists, sunbaked sheets crackling. he turns on his heel, grass twisting under his shoes, and throws the papers away into the air.

they travel far enough through the windless air, uninterrupted, for jaemin to be satisfied.

he'll protect donghyuck from this horrible town if he has to sit in this graveyard for the rest of his life. if donghyuck wants to rest, jaemin will make sure he sleeps in peace.

when jaemin's vision clears he sees a figure approaching him. as the last paper kisses the grass jaemin loses his breath.

the boy walking towards him is familiar but circumstantially, is strikingly alien.

he wears a dark t-shirt and jeans, hair overgrown and tousled. his usual high cheekbones are sunken and his eyes are darker than jaemin remembers.

jaemin stays still as the other boy comes closer.

"hey," mark says, voice unreadable other than sounding tired.

jaemin's chest heaves.

"hi." he stutters back in response, brows drawing together in confusion.

jaemin hasn't seen mark in months. never in a million years would he guess that he'd be seeing the older boy again.

mark's eyes switch from jaemin's surprised face to the headstone behind him. mark's gaze seems to become several tons heavier.

"you're back," jaemin finds himself saying on accident, words spilling out.

mark doesn't move his stare but his eyes become a bit softer.

"i couldn't just leave him here alone."

his voice falls on the word him, dropping softly as if speaking a secret.

jaemin can't think of anything to say but mark fills up the silence with another declaration. "he never could last long apart from each other."

theres a hint of a smile in his voice but his large eyes are impossibly sad.

jaemin is astounded by the amount of gentleness in mark's voice, the love he hasn't lost creeping through the edges.

jaemin doesn't know what compels him to do it but he finds himself stepping forward and tugging the other boy into a hug.

they stay like that for a while, unmoving. mark's breath is fragile and wet against jaemin's neck.

"are jeno and renjun okay?" mark's real question lies in disguise, only discernable by the way he whispers it.

_are you in love yet? have you given in? are you scared?_

jaemin swallows, adrenaline tingling in his finger tips.

"was it worth it?"

mark pulls away, eyes watery but intense. when he speaks his voice is steady, as if there is nothing that was ever truer than the words he speaks.

"he was worth everything, jaemin. a secret worth keeping."

the reverence in his voice is enough for jaemin to believe.

 

they're cooking in jaemin's kitchen. it's a sunday so the house staff is dismissed and the three boy's are left to their own devices. jeno insists that he knows what he's doing and renjun and jaemin decide to let him do what he wants, watching the messy scene unfold from their respective perches.

renjun claims the counter, hands tucked under his thighs and legs dangling over the edge. he wears one of jaemin's sweatshirts that seems to swallow his frame.

jaemin admires him from where he leans against the wall, legs crossed.

jeno turns around, brow furrowed. he searches the kitchen for something. jaemin watches with bemused interest at how absentminded the boy can be.

jeno's eyes lock onto something in renjun's hand.

it happens in a flash, jeno stepping forward to pluck the small bottle from the smaller boy's hand. then, pressing a short absentminded kiss to renjun's parted lips.

at the sight jaemin's heart flips and twists dangerously under his ribs.

jeno, seemingly oblivious, continues moving around the kitchen, intensely focused on the task.

jaemin's gaze burns a hot trail through the kitchen in an invisible connect-the-dots illustration.

renjun locks eyes with jaemin, eyes dark and questioning.

suddenly there's a clatter and jeno looks up, eyes wide with realization.

he curses softly, eyes flitting between renjun and jaemin in an oddly intimate version of a mexican standoff.

 _are you in love yet?_ yes, jaemin answers in his head as he crosses the floor slowly to slide into jeno's space, deathly aware of renjun's heavy stare on the back of his head.

 _have you given in?_ yes, jaemin thinks mind numbing as he leans forward to brush their lips together chastely. jeno easily responds, hand coming up to press sweetly into the small of jaemin's back.  
  
_are you scared?_ no, jaemin decides when renjun's arms circle around jaemin's waist, front pressed flush to jaemin's back.

pressed between his two boys like this, jaemin doesn't think he can ever be scared again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give kudos or i die.
> 
> hhhh so this was comparatively bad but also i do not care! comment pls id love to answer questions


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